Empty Laughs

Humans are resilient species. They survive and thrive. Just came from a Rampage screening, starring the rock. Just like someone gave sunny deol an upgrade.

I tried a lot to laugh in the movie. Be in the moment. Have my share of enjoyment. I was doing good. But if I just smiled too often or too much, I almost descended into a well of loneliness and sorrow. I could feel the smile from my face turn upside down from.the corner of my face and slowly become :(. I don’t sit and think about things, i seem to respond to some stimuli. It reminds me of something. Someone.

I kindof understand what happened in X’s head. It X’s fault and not X’s fault at the same time. Both sides are true. I want to change none. I like them. They are a part of X. And hence were a part of me. This last line seems an overstep now. But not a lie.

I don’t think I forget. Specially my people. Been good to me. People to whom I swore stuff. No matter how emotionally driven. I value people connect. I still ..i think i will…

I can feel further descent into those steps. I try not to go down further… I feel sadness to the core … I ..

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Manhoosiyat

Baahr kafi shor rehta hai aajkal,

Ya fir suna zyada shounk se jata hai

Baahr kafi shor sa rehta hai aajkal,

Pr pata hai itna bura nahi lgta,

Drr toh aajkal muje,

Mere hi andr dheemi aanch pr pk rhi siskiyon se lgta hai..

Life feels worse than the above words. My words. Very depressing. I wrote them a few days back. Actually felt them a few days back.

I feel the opposite of every positive emotion. On surface I’m doing the worldly things, for one can’t stop breathing during a crisis. Although it does seem a way out. But surely that won’t happen.

What can happen. I’ve lost all benchmarks for this. Actually it’s wrong to expect a version of future, but its not the future of world. Its the small encapsulation of you and your loved ones. Maybe i should tell myself to rise above this too.

Quite vulnerable I feel. As if entire gurgaon is pitying my sorrows. .tough to write them too..

There may be minuscule acceptance of Xs decision due to the impasse reached in conversation, but V

Stuttered in a Void

Part 1

While speakers ablaze in the street shout out wacky numbers on the sanskari winter night in Punjab, I am tightened by some recent happenings, though the warmth of the bonfires lit around every block call me to loosen up.

One was the impending doom. I can’t saw that the minute amount of hope I had is shattered. It was quite a known fact, and I was expecting a negative result. But still I gave it a lot of time and effort.

Part 2

Couldn’t complete the above part |don’t remember my thoughts either. Today I sort of went to see off a friend of mine moving out of the country. Although distances have diminished in today’s era and channels to connects are endless, somehow I felt that today’s meet was a watershed moment. Watershed of what? My life , his life, our life or the world around us – i don’t know. God has a plan , they say.

This has me thinking about friends. I’ve been out of touch with a lot of people over the past two years. I mean people who I value. With me in a bit of a turmoil on how to go about now, i constantly feel the urge to talk to these friends and find a way out.

While nearly all of these people are generous enough to hear me out and render some advise if they may, there are some people who feel a bit different. Maybe its because I am.vulnerable right now, but with those people I don’t feel content with the time spent. Feels as if I deserved more, but got less. Or maybe other person is busy.

I’m shifting tracks in life. Probably. Don’t know whether its appropriate to say life in that statement.

Not learning and unlearning

In some sub-conscious brainstorming that I keep doing, i ve realised something. That being truthful, fearless and courageous to even yourself is no ordinary feat. I Think all so-called unsuccessful people lost courage in their lives at some point even when things were not so bad. Conversely all the so-called successful ones kept courage even though hardships tore them apart. I use the terms so-called because of two reasons. One, because these tags are given to society and they not necessarily coincide with the individuals aspirations like the millennial’s midlife crisis. Two, these tags are very dynamic and the pursuit shall never stop.

However this is an ofshoot of my main agenda. I have some poor habits. Habits I only dream to improve. I even took career decisions to force myself into improving upon those. But it was also a gamble. I lack endurance. Sustaining a intensive process over a long time is not something I have ever done. I start with vigour but then slowly I at some point stop being loyal to my goal. Recently something similar is happening. Good thing is that i am aware. Either the effort seems overrated at times, or you stop doubting your fitness or pessimism and a satire for the result kicks in. Sometimes i feel i was too naive to have dreamt things. Reality of the life ahead is very different and i might not want that. Fear of success types.

But one thing that I boast to myself. That I can still do something. So.etimes that tok doesn’t work. Its tough being courageous enough and fight my inner turmoils. I’ve had similar ones but somehow i dont seems to.be learning from my own mistakes. But can we give up on ourselves? Some friends in college said about me that i might be lite at many times for no good reason, but if i get after something i do get it. The occasional fireworks. Yup that was quite an accurate portrayal. But want to be the lamp. Is it rig to think that this inertia of changing such instinctive is way too much?

I miss my close friends too.

Evertime the same tape runs in my head. Damn it.

Redeeming our pledge

Its probably the festive spirit of the day that prompted me to choose this as a title. Festive spirit that very few people I might be sharing with. That is not just a extrapolated conclusion of what happened today or what not, but I miss the chest thumping patriotism display in school and college. No judgement frankly on people who don’t, but miss those who do. On a side note, i hate this cautious way of writing, and being over the top inclusive only to shield one from frivolous trolling.

Nothing much happened really. Just that floating the idea to sing the national anthem on independence day of your country is very uncommon. Pessimism & Indifference is the new cool. I knew that.

A exam has kept me occupied for some time. Is bound to stretch more for some time. Its really where I want to go most positively – but I do am scared of how the logistics and settling in it works out. Sometimes i feel the path is too tough. But there is still that i might be able to do it feel. Many of the times i fail to harvest my enthusiasm effectively- like rainwater as they say. Thats why Ive always fancied a Coach Carter like figure around me who would push me to do some 2000 pushups and 1000 suicides. Nevertheless I’m trying.

There are some roadtrips to done – Nepal they say is a cool place. Some loved ones to be reconciled with the time unspent. It’s becoming hard to keep upto my self proclaimed ethical framework, that I am very proud of. I notice that I am saying things to people – (close ones really) that I am not very proud of. Mostly I realise that. Then mostly I apologize. I might need to mince those words , for they really can’t be taken back and do some good damage. Words in this case are engraved in stone, until some really concrete action breaks that stone. Less the ‘stupid’ words spoken, less the stones you need to hammer.

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping like now. Mostly its due to tests, interesting topic I might have read, stupid words or …

It’s really a difficulty being good. Yup I guess joker was much less stressed than batman.

KDHP Pvt. Ltd

X is back. Beating me in the competition of ‘who can sleep more’ like a boss. So to console myself I pull the sleek wooden chair beside the window, which like a gigantic screen displays the romance of the hills of Munnnar and the clouds .

I come after a long exile into the real world. The view from the room itself is simply amaze. I can’t help my gaze which reflexes to those hills everytime I type a word. I feel that nature might be working some magic out there that I might miss. I want to soak it all in.
This was the first time X and I were the only ones on a trip. It was beyond words. Not only we met after a long long time, but it gave me a much needed recess from the vicious cycle of exams and studies. Most of the important choices I’ve made have been in due consultation with X. I really respect the selfless nature of advice that X gives, where there is every right to be a little selfish. And taking that advice face to face makes me really forget half of the problem. Yes. I meant to say that every time I see X, it like what a wow!

The devotional carnatic music playing in the distance hills reminds me that I am in God’s own country. Indeed. The iconic, never ending, parrot green tea estates which looked extra fresh from the southwest monsoons, the curvy hilly roads and tyres racing past the roadside sounding like rhythm keepers,  the persistent rains and the sudden fog and mist, the delusion of being among clouds, the music and the drive, magic of nature and the peace of X’s company.

As once again an airport diverges our paths and X departs. I am hungover already. We leave everytime with optimism by planning when to meet next. But the recurring nature of this optimism makes it pessimistic. But still, I thank God that all’s well till now and hope for the best.  I take away lot of hope, positivity, strength and enthusiasm from Kerela. I was running on fumes hitherto. The tea estates were so luring, captivating us at every nook and turn. Everytime it felt that this view is so unique. We would be filled with regret if we carry in without savoring it fully. But those tea estates and their enchanting views never ended. Much like life’s opportunities . Some better than the previous or some waiting to get better with another step. But yes there were some watershed moments too. We have them on camera. Kuch toh philosophy sa ho hi jata hai pahadon aur pedhon mein.

My flight is delayed. This place doesn’t want me to leave. I’ll be back Kerela. 

Couplish

The title is quite a misnomer. I today met someone who is in the profession I wish to be in. Actually thats what his surname sound like. Quite apt for him too!
So though this meeting was arranged via the ability of my father to find a punjabi almost anywhere. After exchanging a few pleasantries on phone Mr Couplish was kind enough to give his time a sponsor a cappuccino. As I was waiting, while reading a monthly current affairs compilation, in some corner, I was bubbling with childlike eagerness on how this guy will turn out to be.

He was quite unorthodox, but in a good way. But the nearly two hour long meet struck a good chord with me. It stirred up the correct areas in me. Originality, Confidence and a sense of fearlessness. Somehow in the rat race of carreer making and the so-called “high stakes”, very stealthy wipe these out of you. After we met I sat in the car for about ten minutes womdering to myself “how did i fkin loose these?”
Now this person was very well read(obviously) and had a very unconventional and hipster stumbling into the services. Atleast thats what his narration seemed like. Dropouts is the new sexy.  His views were quite strong on some issues yet adequately justified. I actually held back some of myself to not digress from the agenda. Some issues on what our country has not learned since independence resonated with me.
A lot of myths were busted by him. It was like that dolphin moment in goa. I only got fully satisfied that they existed until I saw one. I think thats a side-effect of my experience with photo and video editing.